how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
