haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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