Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize