I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
