They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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