Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
