be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize