Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
