I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
