I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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