I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
