My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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