i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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