If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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