U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish I only lived at night.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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