eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
