I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
