i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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