I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
