I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
