at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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