his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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