Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
