Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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