are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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