Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
