it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
