i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
