I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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