so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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