Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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