I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
