i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
