I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
why do cheetos always look like penises
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
