Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My friends, they love my intelligence
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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