I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
