walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
