Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize