"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
we should paint friendship bongs
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