there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They took my balls.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
