i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
