I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
