if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
