Porn is love you can see.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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