she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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