first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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