I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize