saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
