I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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