so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
