people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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