a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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