there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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