he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
