I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
