I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
