At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
