ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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