my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
