Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
