Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize