he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
