My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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